Animal House
by Legendary Legacy
Summary: A day at the zoo. Of course, with this group, it can't be JUST a day at the zoo.
1. Chapter 1

Breaking away from my norm to do a fairly small Azumanga piece (probably only be about 10K or so in length). A shout-out goes to DB Sommer and his many awesome A.D. fics, one of which led to the inspiration for this one. Go read his stuff. But read this first, otherwise you might forget to come back and read it once you've finished with all of his.

xxx

xxx

Animal House

An Azumanga Daioh fanfic

By Legendary Legacy

Standard Disclaimer: Azumanga Daioh belongs to Kiyohiko Azuma. The plot is, to the best of my knowledge, my own.

Enjoy. Or don't. Your choice.

xxx

xxx

The ringing of the bell tower, followed by the cheer from a particularly hyperactive girl from Classroom 3 which could be heard from even greater distances away than the bell, signified the end to another school day.

"Enjoy your day off tomorrow, everybody," Yukari bid as she headed for the door ahead of everyone else. "Have your papers on my desk first thing when you get back."

The child prodigy Chiyo hummed happily as she gathered her things. Returning a wave to a departing Sakaki, she moved around the desks to join the rest of her friends gathered at Yomi's seat.

"WOO, DAY OFF!" Tomo shouted gleefully, causing everyone around her to flinch at the volume. "We need to go do something!"

"Let's go to Chiyo-chan's Summer House!" Osaka suggested in that blissful tone that she'd long ago become known for.

The others all gave her a mixture of odd stares, something else that she had become known for.

"Osaka, we only have one day off," Yomi told her. "We'd barely get there before we'd have to come back."

"Also, it's April," Kagura pointed out.

"Oh." Osaka drooped, but only for a second. "Well then, let's go to Chiyo-chan's Spring House!"

"But I don't have a Spring House," the younger girl informed her. "Just a Summer House and a Winter Lodge."

"Then where do you live during Spring and Fall?" Osaka asked.

"Ah...at my regular house, here in town, remember?"

By the look on her face, it seemed she hadn't remembered until that very moment. "Oh, that's right."

After a pause, Yomi spoke up. "Anyway, we-"

"Don't you think it's kind of unfair for Spring and Fall to have to share a house when the other two seasons get their own?" Osaka interrupted.

Chiyo couldn't seem to find a proper answer for that.

"We really should do something a bit different," Yomi began again. "With all the testing and extra activities we'll have coming up soon, our schedules are probably going to be packed."

The statement brought Chiyo back to her senses. "Actually, I was wondering if you all would like to come to the zoo with me tomorrow."

"To the zoo?" Tomo asked.

The little girl nodded vigorously. "Yeah, some of my friends from Elementary went yesterday and told me about it. They said they've got a lot of new animals that weren't there a couple years ago. They also said that one of the tigers had just given birth to a litter of cubs the day before, and they were being kept in the nursing area for people to come see."

"I'll go."

The group looked up, finding Sakaki standing before them. Kagura turned her head toward the door, then back to the taller girl. "Weren't you already...?"

"A zoo sounds fun," Osaka mentioned. "I haven't been to one since I moved here."

Kagura shrugged. "Well, I haven't been there since I was twelve. I wouldn't mind seeing what's changed."

Yomi sighed. "The zoo does sound fun, except..." She fought back the twitch of annoyance from reaching her face. "We'd need to have a parent or someone go with us."

"Why?" Chiyo asked.

Yomi gazed at her desk, looking ashamed. "Tomo and I aren't allowed in the zoo without supervision. Not after...last time."

The words 'last time' seemed to echo ominously throughout the classroom as the others all took turns glancing at one another, wondering who should be the one to ask the question.

Finally, Osaka did it. "What happened last time?"

Yomi shot a venomous glare at her oldest, 'dearest' friend. "The last time the two of us went to the zoo together, _**one of us**_ decided to sneak into the wolf habitat-"

"It was me," Tomo clarified with a casual raise of her hand.

"As if they needed help guessing!" Yomi snapped. She then let out a deep sigh as she continued her story. "Of course, she got found out, I got dragged into the mess, we got kicked out, and now for at least another two years, we're not allowed back in without an adult."

The others all let that sink in.

Kagura found her voice again first. "You know, I remember a couple years ago seeing a report on the news about an idiot teenage girl having to be rescued from the wolf habitat at the zoo. ...Somehow, the fact that the idiot was Tomo doesn't surprise me that much."

"You don't have to say it like that!" the aforementioned girl shouted.

Yomi nodded. "If anything, 'idiot' is far too generous of a word."

Tomo huffed and crossed her arms. "I just wanted to see the wolves, is all. They put them in this big woods area where there's all these different places for them to hide and they never come out no matter how long you wait for them, or how loudly you shout at them to come out, or how many of those nasty food pellets from those gumball machines you throw into the pen. So then I figured, 'Maybe there aren't even any wolves in the pen and the zoo people are getting rich off of false advertising', you know?"

"And what did you learn?" Yomi prompted.

"That wolves can run really fast but aren't good at climbing trees," she replied, nodding her head sagely.

"...So we need a supervisor, then?" Kagura asked in an attempt to change the subject.

"My parents work tomorrow," Chiyo said.

"Mine too," Osaka added.

The others all gave similar responses.

"Well then, there's only one thing left to do," Tomo stated.

xxx

Yukari fixed the group with an utterly bored stare.

"You want me," she spoke slowly. "-To spend my well-deserved day off, where I don't have to put up with any kids and their stupid questions about why Americans are allowed to change the definitions of words to mean whatever the hell they want them to mean without informing the rest of the world to prepare them for it beforehand-"

Chiyo mentally shrugged. It had seemed like a perfectly valid question when Osaka asked it, and something she'd probably need to know herself once she moved there.

"-a day where I could be sleeping in or out drinking, and instead spend money on a day of corralling the lot of you around a smelly, crowded, noisy zoo, filled with even more kids that I don't want to be around, with nothing to do but watch dumb animals sit in cages doing nothing but eating, sleeping and crapping?"

"That's about right," Tomo confirmed.

Yukari tilted her head, humming softly. "Well, I don't have anything better to do..."

Chiyo's eyes lit up. "So then you'll take us?"

"Did you not just hear me!" she demanded. "Noisy? Dumb kids? Crapping? Hell no, I won't. But, since I don't have anything better to do, I can just spend the whole day in bed." She brushed past the group and made her way to the door. "Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go get an early start on that."

The girls watched Yukari walk away for a few moments before turning as one to the other occupant in the room.

"What about you, Nyamo-sensei?" Tomo asked.

The gym teacher, who had been leaning back against the edge of her desk during the entire conversation with Yukari, shrugged her shoulders lightly. "I guess I could spare a few hours to take you all."

"Oh, no you don't!" Yukari shouted as she dashed back into the room. She pointed an accusatory finger at her old friend. "I know what you're trying to pull here! Trying to butter up my students and turn them against me before the next Athletics Tournament! Probably tell them all sorts of humiliating stories behind my back! They're all untrue, by the way, and in fact most of them are probably about her," she mentioned to the girls before quickly rounding back on Nyamo. "Well, don't think for a second I'll let you get away with it! I'm taking them to the zoo whether you like it or not!"

Nyamo merely shrugged again. "That's fine. I have other things that I could be doing tomorrow anyway-"

"Oh, no you don't!" Yukari shouted again. "You think it's fair for me to waste my precious day off doing something I don't want to do while you go out and get drunk and trade bad pick-up lines with the men at the bar? Not a chance! If I have to go, then you have to go!"

Nyamo sighed. "Then just let me take them if you really don't want-"

Yukari whirled back on the girls. "Meet outside the school tomorrow at nine; we'll pick you up! Let's go, Nyamo!" Not waiting for an answer, she grabbed Nyamo's hand and dragged her out of the room.

The six friends stared after them for a few moments until a sinking feeling set into them.

"Did she say she'd be picking us up?" Yomi asked.

Chiyo began to twitch violently.

"I'm sure Nyamo-sensei will be able to stop her," Kagura said, though she didn't sound as confident about it as the others would have liked.

Chiyo's twitching increased.

xxx

Nine A.M. found five of the six girls standing outside of the schoolyard when a green van with a few dings and dents (all most likely fresh) came barreling around the corner, screeching to a halt a few feet away.

"Yo," Yukari greeted from the driver's seat after rolling the window down. The girls turned as one to the passenger seat, giving Nyamo various looks of betrayal.

The gym teacher raised her hands helplessly. "I tried, honest! I thought we'd be taking two vehicles like we usually do."

"Fortunately, my neighbors had this van that I could borrow," Yukari informed them.

"Whoa, someone was stupid enough to let you drive their car?" Tomo asked.

"If by 'let me' you count 'I know where they keep the extra key and I decided to use it for the day while they were out of town on vacation'."

"...You mean you stole it?" Osaka surmised, asking what the others were all thinking.

"Of course not! We do this with each other all the time." Yukari explained to them in her Teacher voice, which wasn't much different from her regular voice aside from being a little preachier. "Sometimes they borrow two cups of sugar and a measuring cup from me, sometimes I bring guys over to use their backyard hot tub when they're all asleep. It's a give-and-take relationship that we have, you see? But enough of that; hurry and get in, we're burning daylight out here!"

Kagura leaned toward Yomi. "If we get in willingly, does that make use accessories to theft?" she asked in a hushed tone.

Yomi shrugged. "Chiyo-chan would probably know."

Yukari looked around, noting the absence of the youngest girl. "Where is Chiyo-chan anyway? Going was her idea, wasn't it?"

Sakaki spoke up. "She called me earlier this morning. She said her self-preservation instincts demanded that she get up early and take the bus to the zoo instead."

"Proving, once again, that Chiyo-chan is much smarter than the rest of us," Yomi muttered as she climbed into the backseat.

"Well, whatever," Yukari said, putting the van in gear once everyone was in. "Sit back and relax, we'll be there before you know it."

xxx

Before they knew it...

"Yukari, for God's sake, slow down!"

"What are you yelling about, Nyamo? I'm only going fifty-five."

"WE'RE IN THE PARKING LOT!"

"This wasn't as fun as I thought it was going to be," Tomo confesses, clutching painfully to Yomi's right arm, who was having a difficult time trying to shake the girl off because she had Osaka clutching painfully to her left arm as well. In the row behind them, Sakaki appeared as stoic as usual, though one only needed to notice her white-knuckle grip on the seat beneath her to tell what sort of stress she was under. Kagura wasn't holding up much better, though she was making it a point to not scream in terror while in the presence of her rival. No matter how justified such an action would be at the moment.

"Old woman on a motorized cart!" Nyamo warned loudly. "Old woman on a motorized cart! Oldwomanohmygoooood!"

There was a sickening crunch as the car finally came to a stop, leaving everyone except for the driver frozen in horror, none able to bring themselves to look out at the carnage that was surely-

"Look at that!" Yukari harped irritably. "That old hag can run just fine! She had no business parking in that handicap spot!"

Over by the entrance gate, Chiyo twitched at what she'd just beheld. Even when she wasn't riding in it, Yukari's car still managed to traumatize her.

xxx

xxx

A/Ns: Just so we're clear, I have no idea how different Japanese zoos are compared to zoos here in the States, so I'll be assuming they're basically the same, which I feel is a fair assumption.

FYI: There's a zoo not so far from my home that has a wolf exhibit. It's a large, forested area, big enough that they have you ride a small trolley around the outer wall of rather than walking around it. I've gone to this zoo well over a dozen times in my life, and have never once seen a wolf. Not once. If not for the twelve-foot high caged walls around it, I'd have probably climbed in to search for them myself a long time ago. Frustrating, ya know?

Anyway, 'til next time.

LL


	2. Chapter 2

Three years without an update... that's pretty horrible even for me. Sorry about that. I've been occupied with my other fics, and real life is taking up a lot of free time, and uh... Typical Author Excuse No. 3. Anywho, just to prove that none of my stories are truly dead unless I say so, here's chapter 2. Can't really justify the wait, but I hope you enjoy it anyway.

xxx

xxx

The group arrived at the large, luminous cave-like structure that housed all of the reptiles. As they walked toward the entrance, a young zoo employee carrying a large box brushed by in front of them.

"You got here just in time for the feedings, if you're interested," she informed them cheerfully, giving the box a small shake which elicited dozens of tiny squeaks from within. Yomi, Sakaki and Chiyo, who were not at all interested in seeing mice being eaten by snakes, decided to bypass the place completely and wait on the other side. None of the others seemed to share their feelings and went right in, most of them even carrying food of their own to snack on while they watched.

The remaining five stopped first at the wall of glass that the lizards were held in, where the woman had just finished dumping a small sack of crickets into. As they waited, hoping to witness one of the chameleons attempt to catch one, Kagura turned to the teachers. "Is it true that chameleons have tongues that are longer than the rest of their bodies?"

"Most of them do," Yukari confirmed.

"Wow," Osaka breathed, staring at the lizards with a newfound interest. "Chameleons must be the best kissers on the planet."

All four of her companions turned to stare at her.

"You...want to kiss chameleons?" Tomo questioned.

Osaka shook her head. "No, but my uncle once told me that if you could touch your nose with your tongue, it meant you were a good kisser. So if chameleons can touch any part of their body with their tongue, that would mean that they're really, really good kissers, right?"

Tomo thought about that. "I guess that makes sense."

Nyamo chuckled weakly. "Actually, I don't think it-"

"I can touch my nose with my tongue," Yukari interrupted before doing exactly as she claimed. "And I'm definitely an awesome kisser!"

"It's too bad that most of the men you've gone out with end up cutting the dates short before you're able to prove it," Nyamo commented.

"At least I GET dates!" Yukari shot back.

The two glared at one another as the younger girls took a few seconds to try replicating Yukari's action, but all failed.

"But you know," Kagura said once she'd given up. "I always heard that you were supposed to be a great kisser if you could tie knots in cherry stems with your tongue."

Tomo scoffed. "As if anyone could really do that!"

"Actually, I can do it," Nyamo informed them.

"No way!" Tomo stated skeptically.

"No, really," the gym teacher assured her. "Yukari and I used to practice with them all the time back in middle school and I got really good at it. It's been a while since I've tried it, but I'll bet I still could."

Tomo pulled the lid off of her soft drink, plucked out a maraschino cherry that was fortunate enough to have been placed in it and handed it to the older woman. "Let's see it."

Nyamo stared quizzically at the small red fruit, then shrugged and popped the whole thing into her mouth. Behind her, not to be outdone, Yukari grabbed the cherry from her own drink and did the same. The trio watched anxiously as the two teachers went to work, their faces screwed into concentration as their mouths twisted back and forth with their effort.

After about fifteen seconds, Nyamo reached into her mouth and pulled out the cherry, holding it up triumphantly by its tightly knotted stem.

"Oooh," the three girls said in amazement.

"Aaah," came an appreciative response from a few men who'd noticed the display.

"Wow, she didn't even break the stem from the cherry," Kagura noted with increased awe.

"I guess I haven't lost my touch after all," Nyamo giggled, happy that her recent romantic dry spell hadn't affected her too badly.

Everyone turned back to Yukari, who appeared to be struggling, if the wild shaking of her head was any indication.

"She might be at it for a while," Nyamo told them.

"Then let's go watch the snakes eat," Tomo suggested.

"You know the weird thing about snakes?" Osaka asked as they began moving on. The others just looked at her questioningly, so she continued. "Their whole bodies are just a head, a tail, and a really long neck, right?"

"Right," Tomo said with a quick nod.

Nyamo opened her mouth to correct the girls, but changed her mind. Sometimes it was just easier to observe such things without getting involved. Besides, it was her day off, and she wasn't a biology teacher anyway.

"I always thought they were a head, a neck and a really long tail," Kagura mentioned.

"Why would a snake's food go into its tail?" Tomo asked.

Kagura opened her mouth, then closed it. It was tough to argue that sort of logic.

"Anyway," Osaka went on. "That means that when a snake swallows its food, it gets stuck in its throat, right?"

"I guess so," Kagura said after a short pause for thought.

"So then how come you never see a snake choke to death on its food, especially when the stuff they swallow is usually bigger than the snake's head?"

Tomo and Kagura thought on that for a moment while Nyamo suppressed laughter.

"Maybe snakes don't have gag reflexes," Kagura theorized.

"That can't be right," Tomo told her. "Everything has a gag reflex, don't they?"

"Actually, I don't have one," Nyamo piped in.

"Really?" Osaka asked.

"Prove it!" Tomo challenged.

Nyamo shrugged helplessly. "I...don't really have any way of proving it right now."

Tomo scratched her cheek in thought. "Then when we're done in here we'll just go find one of those stands that sells frozen chocolate bananas on sticks and you can show us with that!"

The group moved onward, unaware of the increasing number of men who were now following discretely behind them.

Back by the chameleons, Yukari accidentally swallowed her cherry, stem and all, grumbled noisily about it for several seconds, then stomped off to catch up with the others.

xxx

"Hey, while we're waiting for the others, why don't we go inside the bird house?" Chiyo suggested, which Sakaki and Yomi readily agreed to.

The three walked the short distance to a large wooden building and stepped inside. Instantly, they found themselves bombarded with the cheeps, squawks and caws of hundreds of birds, all of varying size and color. While a few specific types were confined to their own cages to the sides, the majority of them were gathered into the extra-large exhibit cage in the center of the room.

They moved to the center cage, where Chiyo and Yomi began pointing out and identifying the different species that they recognized to each other. Sakaki listened to them for a few minutes, feeling a little bored. Birds might have been pretty to look at with their bright colors; they just weren't exactly cute. And all the squawking and chirping was giving her a bit of a headache.

Then, something out of the corner of her eye caught her attention. Turning, she spotted a family laughing as they moved away from a cage that was isolated from the rest. Inside the cage was a large brightly colored bird, yellow on its front and blue on its back, with a short, hooked beak and a zebra-striped face.

Curious, she walked over to the cage and the small wooden sign in front of the cage, which identified the bird as a South American Macaw. Beneath that sign was a smaller one that read "Hello, my name is Boko. If you talk to me, I'll talk back."

Sakaki grew even more intrigued. She'd read a few books before about talking birds, but had never seen one in person. She glanced back to the colorful bird, who was staring back at her almost expectantly. She decided it was worth a try.

"Um...hello, Boko," she greeted tentatively.

Boko let out a low-pitched squawk and bowed its head. "Hello. Awk! Hello."

A light blush spread across her face. It may not have been near as adorable as a kitten, or even a puppy, but a talking bird was still pretty cute.

"I'm Sakaki," she told him.

"Sakaki!" the bird agreed with a sharp whistle, making her smile and wonder what else she could get him to say.

"You're really pretty, Boko."

"You're pretty hot yourself, sweetcheeks. BAWK!"

The girl's expression fell so fast, it was as if she'd been shot. "W-what?"

"You got it going on, baby, raww!" Boko stated. "Show me how you work it!"

Sakaki's face flooded crimson. She was so flustered that she couldn't even speak, and so instead turned and quickly walked away.

"Hate to see you go, toots, but I love to watch you leave!" Boko called after her, which only made her retreat faster.

Nor five seconds after Sakaki left did Yomi happen to wander over toward the display.

"Oh cool, a talking bird!"

xxx

Having finished an examination of a pair of New Zealand kiwis, Chiyo backtracked to find her companions. She spotted Sakaki standing off by herself, not looking at any of the birds, and walked over to her.

"Sakaki-san?"

The tall girl started at being addressed before turning to face her friend, hoping that her intense blush was back under control. "Chiyo-chan."

"Are you okay?" the young prodigy asked in concern.

Sakaki nodded slowly. "Um, Chiyo-chan... how much do you know about talking birds?"

Chiyo hummed thoughtfully. "Well, I know that there's several different species that can do it. And I know that they don't really know how to talk; it's just that they're really good at mimicry. They can repeat all sorts of sounds that they've heard before, including human words."

Sakaki considered the explanation. "So, if one of them were to say something... strange?"

"Then it's just because they heard someone else say it," she confirmed with a grin.

That information made Sakaki feel a whole lot better. Boko wasn't a creepy, perverted bird; he'd just been unfortunate enough to hear someone else saying creepy, perverted things. It still wasn't cute, but at least it wasn't his fault.

Still, she should probably get Chiyo-chan out of there before she ended up venturing over to Boko. She wasn't about to let the little girl's ears be tainted by such dirty talk. She just had to track down Yomi and-

_**"Who are you calling fat, bird!?"**_

Uh-oh.

The two girls turned, as did most everyone else in the building, toward the macaw cage, which their friend was angrily banging her fist against. With a cry of panic, Chiyo ran over and threw her arms around the older girl's waste.

"Please stop, Yomi-san! You'll get us kicked out!" she cried as Sakaki gently began pulling them both away from the exhibit.

Yomi didn't seem to notice either of them, as she was still glaring daggers at Boko who, despite not having lips, still appeared to be smirking at her. "How about I grill you up into yakitori and see how fat I get from that!?"

"Please calm down, Yomi-san!" the little prodigy begged. "He wasn't saying it on purpose or anything! Macaws only repeat things that they've heard other people say, that's all!"

"So then you're telling me that the bird heard someone _else_ say that I have my own gravitational pull?!" she demanded, throwing a fierce glare to the people around them, who were all quick to clear the area.

"Please don't be mad at him, Yomi-san," Chiyo said again. "Macaws aren't smart enough to actually understand our language."

"He might be smarter than you think, Chiyo-chan," Sakaki commented, swearing that the bird in question had just winked at her. Yomi gave a firm nod in agreement.

"But he's really not," Chiyo assured them. "Here, I'll show you." And before either girl could stop her, she stepped in front of Boko's cage and addressed him. "Hello, Boko."

The macaw stared at her, tilting its head as though evaluating her in some way. "Awk! Don't worry, I'm sure you'll fill out soon."

Chiyo tilted her own head in confusion. "Fill out what?" she asked innocently.

"Drink lots of milk!" the bird squawked, flapping its wings for emphasis. "And don't forget to massage them three times a-"

From behind Chiyo, Yomi lifted her hands, placing one clenched fist on top of the other and then twisted them in opposite directions. Beside her, Sakaki gave Boko her best intimidating stare. She didn't look all that different from usual, but Boko seemed to get the message.

"...B-Boko want a cracker?" the bird stammered.

Chiyo stared at him a moment longer before turning back to her friends with a knowing grin. "See, girls? Just because they know how to form words and sentences, it doesn't mean they actually know what they're talking about."

"I guess you're right, Chiyo-chan," Yomi said as Sakaki nodded beside her. "I definitely should have known better than to doubt you."

"We should go find the others," Sakaki suggested, hoping to get Chiyo away from the dirty-minded bird before he started shooting his mouth off again. Chiyo nodded in agreement and the three headed for the exit, but not before the older two gave Boko one last glare over their shoulders.

Once they were out of sight, Boko brushed a wing across his forehead, whistling softly. Some humans just had no sense of humor.

Once outside, the girls looked around for the other members of their group.

"There they are," Sakaki said, pointing toward a nearby food cart, where Tomo, Kagura and Osaka were staring expectantly at Nyamo, who was...

Yomi's eyes widened and Sakaki blushed as they watched the spectacle from afar.

"Someone should really tell Nyamo-sensei to chew her food," Chiyo stated worriedly. "She's going to end up choking trying to swallow a whole banana like that."

xxx

xxx

The next update **_shouldn't_** take near as long as this one did, but I will admit that this fic isn't my top priority right now, so I can't say for certain when the next chapter will actually show up. Thanks for you patience.

Til next time.

LL


End file.
